The Meds and The Money

Clincally i might be more depressed than others. Clinically i could care less. All over tv there are numerous commercials for depression meds. What works? WHo knows. the thing is it takes depression meds at least 2 weeks to take effect. The way i look at it that is still 2 weeks of going through the mess. If it don't work then you're looking at another 2 weeks. I'm on Lexapro. I've been on Paxil (HATED IT!!) and Wellbutrin (It was Ok). Lex works best for me. The problem though-it doesnt come in generic. I was getting that particular prescription filled a few months ago and my insurance company came back with the statement "we would like you to try something that works better for you". ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? They are telling me basically that they know what works for me.. It's all about the money anyway! I know what works for me and i don't need some insurance company telling me otherwise. So if you take depression meds ask your doc for something that is a generic. If not then you will pay much more. BUT if it works, then it doesnt matter. Peace of mind and the relief from depression is well worth the money. I just don't want somebody else telling me what works better for me.

You Can't Explain It

I remember one of my kids asking me why i suffered from depression. That's a hard thing to answer. I simply told them it was something i couldnt explain. From time to time they will ask me (usually my youngest son) if i still go through it. My older son Austin told someone one time that i was discussing my "pressure"! Of course he was about 9 or so. In a way he was right -it is pressure. Pressure to face life. Some days the pressure is worse than others. Today as i write this the pressure is null and void. But i never know when it hits-it could hit in 5 minutes from now or 5 hours or 5 days. My wife tells me to stay busy, be around people, laugh, do something. She's right but the fact is depression won't let you do that. Kind of an oxy-moron!

Anyway-its hard to explain it to my kids. My prayer is they NEVER have to understand it.

The Late Afternoon Demon

The late afternoon is the worst. Actually the morning is cool. It's fresh and not alot has happened to mess anything up. But around 4-6 pm is the worst. For whatever reason it just is. Maybe its because by that time i'm a bit tired from all i've done. But it seems to be worse in the summer months. I HATE summer with a passion. Because i take medication the heat seems to double for me. Now i like the beach, so for that summer is ok. I just don't like the heat. So the heat and 4 pm is really bad! Depression is the weirdest thing. I mean, whoever would have thought that the temperature and time of day would make a person's whole demeanor turn 180 degrees. But it really does..

It Feels..Like...

So what's it feel like..really? It's hard to describe. It's just this unbelievable "cloud" that seems to appear in front of me. I know that sometimes i've gotten out of bed and literally just sat back down on the couch in my office and stared straight ahead, not really thinking or feeling. And that lasted practically all day. Not being able to smile when something's funny. Hoping beyond hope that i won't run into anyone in order to not have to talk to them. If i do then i have to act as if everything's cool. The worst is when nothing really matters. Things that once did just don't any longer. It's also so easy to think of what's wrong with life instead of all the many things that are good. For me depression creates a world of silence. Not only verbally but emotionally, spiritually and physically. Not just silence, but darkness. Not to even mention the worst time of day for me....how it affects everyone around me......

When We Share It

It's funny how people that suffer from depression are quick to not disclose it. For whatever reason, whether out of embarrassment, feeling ashamed, etc. I was like that. I thought that people would think i was weak or strange (many think that anyway!). But i decided that i didn't care. When i opened up and started sharing my story i was amazed at the people that responded with "i had no idea, because i do too", or "i know someone that does", etc. Only when a person shares something does God allow others to be affected. I've found that God has given me hundreds of opportunities to offer advice, share my story, or simply be a listening ear. Depression sufferers are not weak. We are just afflicted. But his strength is made stronger through our weakness.

Spelling It Out

For the last 12 years depression has been a thorn in my side. It started i feel when i was on the road with the band i toured with, for whatever reason. Then later it simply took over my life after i left the band. Going from playing 150 shows a year, recording, writing, etc. to being in a 8-5 office job almost killed me. As far as i was concerned God had left. He decided to move on and take care of someone else. He decided to continue to allow the joke to be on me. And it continued. And continued. And continued. It continued to a point where waking up was the awful and i couldnt wait till it was time to go back to bed. That would at least be a few hours not depressed. I couldnt write, my creativity was zero. My kids couldnt figure out what was wrong with their dad. My wife became increasingly frustrated, although she knew it was a disease.

I tried different medications, self help books, etc. Some meds worked others not at all. I finally wrote a book about it. That book was and is called "I Wish It Would Rain" published in 2005. It basically chronicled my story of my battle, in deep detail. I recently finished 3 new chapters for a re-release. Basically the other 3 chapters are an update where the original copy was a bit dated now in 2009. So hopefully i will be able to re-release it soon.

So here i will blog the struggle. The good days and the bad days. Oh and by the way, God really never left and never played a joke on me. I felt like he did but i'm not that shallow. My faith is tremendous, cause it has to be. God has brought me from being pathetic to being a man who knows he's God's kid. Yep depression is still here and it sucks to be honest. But i also know that It does not have to rule my life. But as i said-i will "keep it real" (i hate that term but thought i'd use it to sound more like "the kids these days"!) and i will spell out whats working and what aint. And I will also allow others to see God move through a man that basically has been to hell and back!

JR